The Hallmark Of Every Breakfast
by Collaboration for Destruction
Summary: Hidan takes an unforgettable trip to the grocery store. Rated exclusively for language, considering the character involved.


Greetings, and welcome to this particular story by Collaboration for Destruction. Enjoy it, please.

After an exhausting bloody slaughter, Hidan felt the necessity for food. Hidan opened the door to his apartment and made his way to the kitchen. "What the fuck should I eat?" he asked himself. He then looked at the clock on the wall and observed that it was four in the morning. "Geez, what a long slaughter, god that took way longer than it usually does. It's so typical that when you're in the mood to kill maybe about thirty shinobi, 500 come charging at you and every last one of them cares so damn much about staying alive."

Hidan looked reflectively up at the clock for a moment or two. "Who the fuck am I talking to?" he asked himself. He figured it didn't matter, and considered when the last time he had eaten actually was. "Technically I don't need this food, but live without food? Just what the hell?" Hidan understood that because it was four o' clock the boundary between dinner and breakfast had most DEFINITELY been crossed and he NEEDED cereal. No other means of sustenance was suitable for breakfast besides cereal! Hidan yawned and rubbed his eyes as he reached for the refrigerator. However, upon opening the portal into the frigid palace of food storage, Hidan found nothing but the leftover slices of ham and vials of blood.

"WHAT THE FUCK!! I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD I JUST WENT TO THE STORE! I MAKE SURE TO BUY CEREAL ON A REGULAR FUCKING BASIS." Hidan grasped his scythe and in one swift movement sliced the refrigerator entirely in half, spilling the ham on the floor, getting blood all over his clothes and causing an electrical fire which burned down his entire kitchen. "Shit," said Hidan as he turned to observe the fire and then proceeded to leave his apartment.

"Hey Hidan," said his neighbor amiably, "Got something in the oven? It smells like it might be getting a little overcooked. Hehe, it smells like your house is on fire!" he said jokingly.

"Shutup, whore. Unless you're gonna call the fucking fire department for me, you'd better shut up about my burning apartment." He slammed into the man's shoulder as he walked away. He paused for a second, then looked back. "Shit, don't tell the super 'bout that, 'kay? Don't make me fuck you up." His neighbor stared briefly before making an about face and running out of the building and down the block continuously for five days straight.

Hidan swaggered down the street, twirling his scythe nonchalantly on his way to C-Town, the local grocery store. Neighbors peered out their windows cautiously, curious to find the source of the smell of burning blood.

Finally Hidan saw the glowing savior that was the fluorescent rays of lights exuding from the paned glass doors of C-Town. Hidan smiled at the convenience of automatic doors. Without hesitation he ran to the location of his favorite cereal, not bothering to traverse the labyrinth that is grocery market aisles, but instead crashing directly through them, sending tomato cans sailing in various directions throughout the store.

But alas! Upon spotting the necessary cereal brand, Arteriole Explosion Blood Munchies, he found that the only available box was in the hands of another who appeared to be carefully examining the ingredients of the cereal box with some type of microscopic-lenses device. "Damn, is this whole grain or not? Hmmm…" he muttered under his breath. He spun around after Hidan made a grandiose entry with tomato cans flying across the aisle and smashing into detergent bottles to create an acidic orange concoction.

"You can't question the ingredients of the cereal! Blasphemer! One need only trust in the flavor of the cereal to judge its worth!" Hidan shouted. The man with the box stared at Hidan with a look of disbelief.

"Not know what I am ingesting hmmm? And end up with grey hair like you?"

"For your information, my hair has been gray since the day I first grew hair. There has been no impact from chemical ingestion via cereal. Are you gonna buy that fucking box or what? Cause I want it."

"Hell yes. How could I ignore a cereal when the word 'explosion' is in the name, hmmm?"

"Yeah, but, you see, _I_ want it. And that's the last box. So fuck off."

"What gives you the right to have it when I was here before you? I don't see your name on it, hmm?"

"How do you know my name isn't 'Arteriole,' huh? Or '©'? My name could easily be on this box. Is _yours_?"

"Now it is."

The man pulled a PERMANENT marker out of a brown bag around his waist, and scrawled 'DEIDARA' in huge letters across the nutrition facts.

"You wouldn't even be capable of appreciating the artistic quality of this box. Hmmm," he stated, nodding his head in confident confirmation of his statement.

"Art ain't got nothing to do with it. It tastes like blood. I can't eat something unless it tastes like blood, and you are holding the only brand of cereal I have found thus far that satisfies that requirement. Now gimme."

"Pearls before swine. I'll never surrender this box to someone as ignorant and crude as you, who can never appreciate the true innovation behind it. Hmmm!"

"Dude, you've got like Tourette's syndrome or something. Anyway, what the fuck are you talking about? The explosion is in reference to the blood, bitch. Clearly that means it's more important."

"Wow, you really are a fool. Don't you understand that the blood is the mere MEDIUM through which the explosion is manifest? Without some sort of medium, the true beauty of the explosion can not be expressed. The medium is insignificant, but is necessary for the expression of explosion! Hmmm."

"The blood is gonna manifest in a very unpleasant way if you don't shut up and hand over the box, okay fucktard?" Hidan said, drawing his scythe.

"I'll make you understand the true power behind an explosion since you seem to underestimate it so. Be grateful that I am allowing you to participate in my artistic expression! Hmmm!"

And with that a battle of epic proportions began. Deidara made the first move, shoving his hand deep into his pocket and withdrawing a handful of tiny clay spiders. He threw them at Hidan, who made no attempt to dodge them, and was subsequently caught in a huge explosion. He was buried under flaming shelves and broken jars.

He emerged moments later from the wreckage with glass shards puncturing his forehead. Deidara's smirk turned into total dumfoundment as he watched Hidan stand there smiling as blood sprayed out of his head. "He didn't make any attempt to dodge this attack, and this is C999999999 chakra, hmmm? How is he still alive?" Deidara thought to himself.

"BITCH!! IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?!" Hidan screamed, his eyes rolling to the back of his head. "God, it hurts sooo good."

After a moment of reveling in the pain he was experiencing, he lifted his scythe and threw it aimlessly in Deidara's general direction. But Deidara jumped onto the top of the nearest shelf, toppling the stacks of toilet paper rolls. "I'll have a better chance fighting at long range. Hmmm. Even so, it seems as though my last attack was powerless. I need to innovate hmmm…" Deidara then grabbed some clay from his bag and proceeded to hurtle a barrage of C9999999999 chakra-infused clay at Hidan. He still refused to avoid the attack, however, and was caught in a head-on explosion that melted half the skin of his torso. He ignored it this time, and threw his weapon in the same careless manner as before. The blade nicked the tip of Deidara's toe.

"Ouch, hmm," Deidara said, looking at his tiny cut with slight concern. "Oh well, coulda' been worse, hmmm" he said looking reminiscently at his arm.

**FLASHBACK** "Mommy! Take me to the zoo!" Deidara screamed and pounded on the floor in a tantrum. "Dammit okay, just shutup! I swear you are the brattiest child ever!" said his mother. When they arrived at the zoo it wasn't long before Deidara started to throw another tantrum. "I WANNA FEED THE RHINO!!" "NO! THE RHINO IS NOT A PART OF THE PETTING ZOO! I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL TAKE YOU HOME THIS INSTANT YOUNG MAN!" screamed his mother back. But Deidara filled with rage and ran off toward the rhino exhibit, grabbing some cotton candy from a random child with his hand-mouth. The child didn't even cry, it just stared. He then made a leap for the rhino's pen and held out his hand with the cotton candy. The rhino proceeded to rip his arm off. **/FLASHBACK**

In the midst of Deidara's flashback, Hidan had taken the opportunity to rip a hole in his leg and use the blood to draw a TRIANGLE overlaying a circle. He drew his scythe up close and licked the blood of Deidara's foot from the blade. Deidara was too disgusted by this unhygienic display to react before Hidan plunged a knife into his own shoulder. A gradual look of shock overcame Deidara's formerly placid facial expression as a surge of pain overtook his corresponding shoulder. "HmmmmmmMMMAHHHHHHHHH!!" he screamed.

"Yeah, doesn't it feel great? If we can't share the glory of ownership of that box of cereal, at the very least we can experience the same pain. And it is fan-fucking-TASTIC," Hidan said, twisting the blade and running it down the length of his arm.

Adjusting to the pain Deidara gripped his shoulder and looked up at Hidan. "That's a very creative display, I must admit hmmm?," he, said sneering with self-contentment. "You've trapped my body in some bizarre voodoo technique. Whatever damage you inflict upon yourself, or I inflict upon you, will affect me as well. The more the individual strives towards external destruction, the more they inflict pain upon themselves. How artistic. However, you have failed to anticipate one possibility, hmmm?"

"And what would that be?" asked Hidan.

"That the individual does not writhe in anguish in a futile struggle towards external influence and destruction, but seeks an introspective method and aims toward SELF ANNIHILATION, HMMMM!" And with that he exploded, knocking hours worth of minimum wage labor to the ground.

The force of the explosion blasted Hidan through the door of the freezer, glass shattering on his back and piercing the many fruits and vegetables in the nearby produce aisle, as well as Hidan's flesh. He bled profusely all over a spill of yogurt, mixing in more than the necessary daily requirement of iron.

Because of the limitations of the area of the supermarket, Deidara did not have enough space in between himself and his clay clone and was, therefore, knocked back by his own explosion into a grocery cart, which flew down the main shopping aisle into the deli and crashed into a shelf of bread, cushioning the impact and suffocating Deidara in loaves and loaves of multi-grain nutritional goodness.

"Got enough of your whole grains now, asshole?" Hidan laughed maniacally, advancing with a scythe. He threw it again, still bleeding, still refusing to aim. Deidara leapt to his feet and hid in the dairy products section.

"Resorting to hiding now, are you?" Hidan gathered his weapon and walked self-assuredly towards the dairy aisle. "Come out, you fuck-" he began, but was interrupted by the horrific scene before him. The entire aisle had been detonated. The charred remains of plastic cartons floated in a heterogeneous mixture of milk and clay aggregates.

"Hehehe. How can you hope to enjoy your cereal without MILK, hmmm? The hallmark of every breakfast!" Deidara yelled, stepping out from behind a shelf of cookies.

Hidan stared, his shock clearly visible on his wounded face. His shock soon transferred into rage, projecting an almost visible aura around him. Slowly, he advanced on Deidara, exhaling heavily and trembling with fury and he walked. He reached out a hand and grabbed Deidara's collar, pulling him up close to his face. In a voice full of hatred and undying vengeance, he spoke slowly and deliberately:

"How are _you _supposed to use that fucking cereal if _you_ don't have any milk either?"

"Hmmm…well…this isn't very good. I guess I hadn't thought this far ahead, hmmm. But it's the spur of the moment that makes true art. Thinking anything too far ahead corrupts the unconscious artistic flow. Besides, this isn't the only supermarket around, hmmm?"

With that statement, Hidan dropped Deidara and looked at him blankly. Then Deidara realized what he had just said.

"That's it, I'm outta this shithole," Hidan said, turning to leave. Deidara looked around him, observing the massive damage done to the store by the battle and said, "It would be wise for me to leave now as well, hmmm?"

"Actually, could you stay here for a few hours? I need to be able to find you later, so I can kill you. Or, like, tell me where you live. 'Cause I can't do it right now, not when I'm this fucking starving."

"An appealing suggestion, hmmm…" Deidara said sarcastically. "However, before you leave won't you take this card? It will open up new potentials for your homicidal tendencies, I guarantee it. Your skill is admirable, although not comparable to mine. I was holding back. Hmmm."

Hidan took the card, scanned it briefly, and shoved it in his pocket. "I don't know what that card said, but whatever it is I don't want it. Now stay put so I can come back and kill you. I don't want Jashin to smite me, seriously."

Upon returning to what was left of his apartment (basically just a sofa on a ledge jutting out over the street) Hidan pulled the card out of his pocket and proceeded to read because he didn't have a television.

"AKATSUKI: JOIN NOW! IF YOU HOLD THIS CARD IN YOUR HAND IT INDICATES YOU HAVE AVOIDED DESTRUCTION BY ONE OF OUR ELITE MEMBERS, OR ARE DEAD AND HAVE THIS CARD IN YOUR HAND AS A FORM OF IRONY. YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS: JOIN VOLUNTARILY NOW OR WAIT TWO DAYS FOR US TO CAPTURE YOU AND FORCE YOU INTO MEMBERSHIP! CONGRATULATIONS! Your friends, the Akatsuki."


End file.
